Our next session was due after a week of processing. I never know how far I can push the limitations with this injury, but I believe in carrying on so my body can still feel a sense of normality. I can’t stop altogether. I have things to tick off my list every day.
Even though I felt a massive shift in energy and I was feeling so much clearer in my thinking, I still had aches and pains and no movement beyond shoulder height. We had agreed that I shouldn’t push my arm to go where it wasn’t happy. No more pushing. No more expectation. Keep things simple and work with your body, was the mantra 🙂
The week was intense with a lot of research and preparation for Cool Mindz. I was becoming a lot more active on social media to help create more awareness of my work as a transformation coach. I turned 48 so took myself off to my favourite place in London for some time out. It was generally a really busy week with lots of long chats on the phone with loved ones. Besides the one full day out, I was mostly at home, in front of my laptop. I still had my walks in the park. I could feel that my body was a little lighter, despite the pain and lack of mobility.
The time I struggle the most is when I’m trying to settle into a good position to sleep. It’s very difficult. I’ve lost a lot of sleep over this period of time. There’s very little that can be done. I’ve had some lovely 3am quiet times, reading or meditating. The time is never wasted, but obviously I’d prefer to be sleeping like everyone else.
My next appointment to see Ashley arrived. I love travelling to his side of London. I always make a special trip to a tiny coffee house that’s run by a lovely Turkish guy. The coffee is so delicious!!! He’s clearly a musical theatre fan, as I often walk in and catch him singing along to Hamilton, while he’s brewing coffee. Love it!! 🙂
I wondered how we could top last week’s session. We broke down the week I’d had and he checked one or two things before we got back into working. We usually start with my hip first. There was a bit of mobilising involved and some rather uncomfortable positions involving a fair amount of pain, but I just continue to breathe through it.
I once had my calf striped in a session with a Chiropractor during a run of CATS back in 2009. This was the plan to get me back on stage as quickly as possible. I needed my hand held to get through that experience. I’m sure whoever was in the reception area waiting their turn wanted to run out of the door screaming, in case the Chiro had something similar in mind for them. I’ll never forget that treatment or that pain.
Anyway, I digress. We moved to the shoulder next. Ashley always discovers something new and we discuss it. Everything is worth considering in my opinion. A lot of changes have taken place in that whole area of my body. There are emotional layers, needing to be unlocked. Muscles and tissues put into stress, an entire space that has been emptied out of breast tissue, and then an intrusive reconstruction of that area to accommodate a foreign object that is now my right breast. The whole chest area needs help.
In the session, Ashley does his part and I do mine. I visualise, breathe and will for this release to take place in my shoulder. Again, my right shoulder melts into my left as I lie on my left side. The pain increases a little as my arm stretches over my chest and hangs over the edge, more shifting, more deep breathing and letting go. I am willing for healing to take place with every cell of my body. We both are. The session ends with another check in.
I got up feeling quite dizzy and light headed, a little emotional even. We agree to meet again for another treatment and I get back onto the tube for the journey home. I felt spacey and tired. I’m not usually capable of much after a treatment. It really feels like someone has pushed the reset button, more in my brain than in my body sometimes. My brain feels like it’s coming into more clarity. My body feels like it needs an overhaul. Like I need to be dropped from a height, cracked open and put back together again 🙂
It’s an early night for me and I manage to sleep…a little. I’m restless. I have strange sensations pulsing at the back of my head, throbbing in my arm and just a general feeling of being slightly disorientated and really quite exhausted. I drink as much water as possible. I often come out of my sessions needing to hydrate more than usual.
I wake up the next morning, having slept through all three alarms. My meditation hour has passed and all I can think of is my cup of coffee. I haul my body out of bed, reach for something to cover my feet, as it’s getting a little chilly these days and I head down the stairs in search of a hot cup of coffee.
I’m in the loft part of the house. I call it “the room at the top of the stairs” and there are two flights to get down. I get to the top of the bottom staircase, closer and closer to the kettle. My mind is on the prize, but my feet betray me, or to be more specific, the soft slippers I have on my feet do. Is this why they’re called slippers I wonder?
In a split second both feet are up in the air and I’ve begun the “not so gentle” slide down the staircase, one thud after another as I make my way to the bottom. I must have instinctively reached for the banister with my right arm (the injured one) to stop the fall, but sadly it was too late. My arm got caught in between each rail of the banister, (there must have been 6/7 at least) and with each slide down, my arm was knocked back again and again until I reached the wooden floor below.
I grabbed my arm. The pain was excruciating. I was shuddering and rocking myself, like a mother rocks her child, trying to breathe through this overwhelming pain. I’d landed with such a thud and had cried out, in my shocked state, all the way down the staircase. Jono was rudely woken out of his sleep. He ran down after me and crouched down behind me gently rubbing my back. Jen had terminated her call to her mother in Australia to also come to my aid. How lucky I am to have such care. They were so comforting, but honestly, this poor family has endured so much drama with me already.
The pain was on a level I hadn’t experienced in a very long time. I sat there rocking, arm throbbing, body shaken, wishing I’d never laid eyes on those slippers. I kicked them off my feet. They’d be thrown into the bin as soon as I could console myself with this pain. I thought of how my friend Sam had tripped over something a few weeks after her brain surgery. She was devastated. It’s so vital when you’re recovering from something to not have any setbacks. I’d only had my session with Ashley yesterday and here I was at the bottom of the stairs writhing in pain. I wondered if everything we had been working towards over the last couple of weeks was now lost.
And then another thought popped into my head, which I voiced out loud. I wonder if this has actually done something to help the situation, in some strange way. Extremely odd for me to say at a time like this, but it’s always been my belief that everything happens for a reason. Call it what you will, but my intuition often speaks out loud and I listen.
Barefoot, I slowly retraced my steps back up to my room, feeling slightly anxious about what this could have done to my already unfortunate situation. I sent a text to Ashley asking what he would advise me to do. Anti inflammatories, pain-killers and icing my arm were recommended, just as Jen had advised me to do when I was downstairs. And keep still and rest. I checked in with my friend Sam who is always so gently consoling and she gave me wonderful advice too.
I went back down the stairs. Jen congratulated me for making it down in one piece and I remarked at how polished the stairs were looking. She made me my cup of coffee and I sat on the couch with an ice pack. Things were calmer now and hopefully the pain killers would kick in soon.
I decided to also check in with my homeopath. She’d sent me a really strong Arnica remedy in the post to help with shock and trauma, supporting the work Ashley and I were already doing. She recommended I start taking the remedy straight away and said I may come out in bruises. I assured her that I wouldn’t be relying on the remedy to break out in bruises 🙂
And just as I finished writing this blog an email appears in my inbox from Marks & Spencer. Taryn, your perfect bra awaits. I open the email to have a look. Your perfect bra- whatever your shape, size and style, we’ve got you covered! I look closely at the image of a woman with breasts rather like my left breast – lovely, soft and full. I look over to my very perky, tight right breast and then say out loud…”Not covering this one baby shoes…not with all of that underwire!!!!”
Thanks for reading 🙂
The next part of this journey is going to be quite a challenge for me to share. I’ve never experienced something like what I’m currently witnessing with my body. I’m in awe! When I am able to find the right moment and the right platform, I will begin documenting it, but until then, I am healing in the most magical of ways and l look forward to the time when I am able to share this with you.
Take care, stay safe and believe that we are more than our bodies!
3 thoughts on “Everything for a Reason”
I read every update with a sense of awe and love for you and all you are going through Tazzie. You have such a beautiful way with words, that even though it’s been a gazillion years since I saw you last, I feel as if I know you now, just as well as ever.
Keep going girl and be kind to yourself…. time to draw a circle around yourself and only allow into your space all that is healing, nourishing and good for you. Light the candles and just rest….x
I look forward to your next update…x Big hugs x
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Beautiful Jo🤗 I just adore your reply so much!!! Thank you. Healing does require a fair amount of withdrawal to keep as much energy as you can to facilitate the best opportunity to heal. I will do as you say.. circle drawn😊I’m glad you are in my circle and I’m sending you the shiniest smile and hugest hug😄
Just had a chance to read this now…oh my goodness, Taryn! My heart fell into my stomach…I hope you are now on the mend, hon? I guess they say that healing happens in spirals.Baby steps, eh? So glad this didn’t set you back enough to give up. You really a tough cookie. Hang in there, girl. xxx Looking forward to the next instalment.