There is Pain in Resistance

I was on such a high after that first session in the pool, that I immediately booked myself another two sessions for the following morning and evening. Again the pool was empty, so I could move uninterruptedly through the water, at my own pace and see what came. I spent about half the time at the side doing an underwater ballet barre. My hip was a little niggly, but nothing that was too worrying. My arm was aching, but I detected a little more range of movement, so clearly, something was working.  I did the same flowing arm movements as before and found a few new variations, as I moved through the water. I kept at it. I didn’t hold back, despite the discomfort and pain.

When I went back in the evening on the same day for another hour long session, I began wondering whether I was perhaps being a little too ambitious. My goal was to get my arm to move beyond shoulder height. I sometimes used my other arm to lift it and push it up as I moved from one side of the pool to the other. The pain felt substantial. My arm resisted stubbornly.  I started to question whether this was the right approach. It’s in my nature to push a little too much. I’d had some difficult and persistent injuries when I was performing in CATS many years ago. I hadn’t always treaded lightly with myself and would often jump back into the show before my body had completely healed from whatever injury was present at that time. Was this the same pattern?

I decided to end my session in the pool early and walked home in a slightly more contemplative mood.  This was really frustrating. That night my sleep was hard to come by. No matter how carefully I positioned my arm and leg, nothing worked. I knew I’d overdone it. My hospital appointments with the Breast Surgeon and Plastic Surgeon were the following day. My inflation into the implant, as I’ve described in my previous blog wasn’t easy, but my consultation with the Breast Surgeon was at least positive. The results of the mammogram of the ‘healthy breast’ came back clear. The gel implant in that breast seemed happy, I was grateful.

The next few days leading up to my Osteopath appointment weren’t fun. My walks were strained. I’d come back and my hip would complain when I took myself up the three flights of stairs to my room. I felt like I had to move so cautiously in case my injuries got worse. This just wasn’t how I was used to doing things. After I’d googled images of women who’d had mastectomy’s with no recon, I sat with that idea to see whether I was overreacting about wanting my breasts taken off. Would I really consider doing something that drastic? The Plastic Surgeon has a plan to achieve symmetry and here I was thinking of throwing all of that away. I’d been told it would take a few surgeries to get there. I’d signed up for it almost two years ago. I needed to be patient!

Those thoughts slowly began to lessen. I massaged tissue oil into my skin every day and the pulling sensation eased up a little. I’d see it through, I thought. I’ve managed with everything else, I can go the distance. The worst is over, now it’s just cosmetic. I’m getting help to deal with the shock and trauma and whatever else my Osteopath thinks my body is trying to tell me. I’ll persevere and be patient. It’s all going to be fine 🙂

We continued to work with the hip and the shoulder/arm in the same kind of way with each session, but I’d expressed an interest in changing things up a little. I was used to being challenged as a dancer so whatever needed clicking and mobilising, I was up for it. We still continued very gently. There was definitely some realigning and shifting taking place, I could feel it, and it was very visible to him that there was a change for the better.

Now, I’m not the right person to launch into an explanation about how Osteopathy or Cranio works. All I can say is that it’s making a difference in a way that is nothing short of miraculous. Because I believe in it so much, it’s working. Believing helps! The healing is non intrusive, extremely gentle and really supports my holistic approach to health. I’ve always liked to combine many things, but this healing modality is where I believe the true potential lies to actually overcome things from many angles.

It’s easy to swallow a tablet when we feel pain, but will that medication fix all the underlying reasons as to why we are ill or injured in the first place. No. It’s really up to us to decide what we think our body needs and to steer ourselves in the direction we feel is right for us. Opening up to our intuition in order to facilitate this approach is vital. I will always lean heavily towards energy medicine/healing. I promote taking the natural approach, because I’m curious about investigating the mental/emotional side of healing and understanding the miraculous nature of my body. What is my body actually trying to communicate to me and how can I support it best?

In the last couple of sessions, I’ve begun talking mentally to my body while Ashley (Osteopath) is working. My body talks right back. When the correct posture or holding position is achieved, it releases. I can’t explain it fully because I’m not trained to provide you with those details. It’s really very simple when you believe in the miraculous nature of the body, and I do. I don’t need the intellectual understanding.  I’m connected very intimately to my body and I am witnessing its every move, its every expression, its every desire to “let go!”

Releasing usually takes place with a slow and steady motion of my head that is not being controlled by me or by Ashley- he is merely supporting my head. As this happens, the dialogue that enters my head is usually something like, “I understand and thank you!” In other words, I’m working with the movement. I’m not afraid of it or judging anything about what’s happening. I’m lying there in absolute awe of what my body is capable of. It’s the most natural feeling in the world – to just let your body take over and go to where it can receive healing and say thank you.

In the most recent session, we discussed the fact that I was still in so much pain and was perhaps over exerting myself with too many exercises, attempting to open up the chest area. The swimming was one thing, but I had also started doing arm exercises whenever I was taking a break from writing. There was still not much movement beyond shoulder height and I was trying to push beyond that and beyond the pain.

“There is pain in resistance,” is what he said. “The implant is controlling everything!” I agreed. I agreed totally.

Opening up the chest area is extremely uncomfortable for this implant as well as my arms. All I wanted was to have an arm that worked. The most obvious position of comfort for the implant is when I lean in to it, when I’m in my natural restful state, when my shoulder can relax comfortably. I was doing the opposite. He suggested that we reverse the entire process of working so we can allow my body to go where it needs to go in order to release. I needed to avoid “trying” to do anything and just lean in towards the implant, accepting it as a part of my body. Once again, I agreed with him completely.

My hip was still taking strain, so we worked there first. I lay on my right side. He found the appropriate holding position and I relaxed my leg into that. The same sensation as I’ve described to you about how my head released itself, took place with my hip. Effortlessly, it began to shift a little this way and then a little that way, a slight curving round and then a small opening out until it found the best position to release. I lay there quietly witnessing this, knowing that my body was communicating the way forward for me. Ashley was supporting this, but my body was doing all the work and I was allowing it to.

I turned over to the left side so that he could hold the same safe space for my arm to lie across my chest, so my hand dangled over the edge. This would allow the best chance for movement and release. He did the same as he had done with my hip. He found the best holding position to allow me to integrate the knowledge that now we were moving towards really letting my body accept this implant. The release was immediate. There was little hesitation. It felt like my right shoulder was melting across my body into my left shoulder, then it lifted slightly upwards and back a little and then it went back in towards the left shoulder again. This movement closed off the space in my chest. It almost felt like my implant was forced to soften so it could allow for this inward collapse to take place.

I lay there calmly, breathing. This intelligence that we were connecting to overwhelmed me with admiration. Our body carries its own innate wisdom. It knows exactly how to heal itself. We were tapping into it. It was responding.  I felt such respect and gratitude for what I was experiencing. This is how I understand things. This is the world I choose to live in. I actively let go. I actively have faith in Ashley. I actively know that this “little miracle” we are witnessing, is a part of my healing and what I’m meant to experience, so I can share it with others and hopefully inspire someone out there to believe and see a different perspective for their own healing.

I left the session feeling like I was floating in a different world. I stood next to masked strangers on the train ride home with absolute joy in my entire body. I grinned from one side of my mask to the other. Not a soul noticed. How could they when you’re behind your mask, but I knew what was taking place. I was giggling to myself like a child. No more resistance. Now we were on the right track!

Still more to follow 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

8 thoughts on “There is Pain in Resistance

  1. This is beautifully written. And, though I struggle at times with what you say, I understand the powerful shifts inside you are meaningful. I especially appreciated the melting shoulder! That makes sense to me.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Aw! Loved this post! The wisdom of the body is indeed, truly miraculous – I love how closely you are able to listen to it talking and translate it for us all. Thank you for another insightful and delightful post. So glad you are on the mend. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Brave you, as always to push through the pain. Hope it starts getting better Taz. You really have had a long journey and need the light to lift you up and let you now settle into life, without the struggles, no matter how much they build your character, you need to just be free and to fly. Always so much to learn from your posts. Lv Marmie

    Liked by 1 person

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