Shifting Towards Who Knows What…

The desire to write and share more of my story has evaded me for several weeks now. I have had messages from concerned friends asking if I’m alright. The truth is I am dealing with many challenges and changes and while I process them, I prefer to keep a sacred space around them.

There are parts of me that I can still recognize and there is another side of me that seems completely new. I am growing to like this “new person” more and more 🙂

I don’t want that to come across as being obnoxious, because that is not where I’m coming from. I am merely stating a truth. A fact that was brought to my attention by other cancer survivors who have told me that I will never be the same again. A close friend likened it to a “rebirth.” Call it what you will, but it is present and growing daily and showing me things that perhaps I may have overlooked in the past. It’s confirming intuitive thoughts and feelings on specific situations and giving me a stronger sense of self.

Who is this “self” and why the obsession? Every day I am asked how I am and how am I feeling. I openly share what is happening with my body and my hair and whether I’ve slept or not and how things went at the hospital. How are my emotions and am I coping today?

Words of comfort flow daily from those close to me which is one of the biggest gifts I could receive. Just that feeling that I’m not going through this alone, even though essentially …I am. For the most part of this entire journey I have done it alone. I am naturally a solitude seeker, so going it alone is actually what works for me. It’s simpler that way and “simple” is the way forward… for me anyway.

I have opened up my personal life in the spirit of being open and honest about this journey. Perhaps with a view to helping someone else or fulfilling a sense of it being part of my purpose, but I feel almost protective over it right now. There is too much going on for me to explain and I am beyond exhausted.  

I feel hugely empowered to be in the moment with each shift and change and am more certain of myself and my emotions than ever before, so if I feel something negative, I say it, which may be slightly jolting for someone who is perhaps used to me reacting a certain way. There may be very little left of the people pleaser in me by the time this story draws to an end.

I’m not going to launch into all the reasons why things are challenging, because to me that is becoming a rather boring story. The same can be said for my previous ramblings about losing my hair. It is hair and it will grow back.

I was recently having a catch up with my friend Adam who has a beautiful head of hair. Long, luscious, dark locks that he sometimes ties into a man bun. So while I was describing that I was beginning to look rather like the phantom of the opera underneath his mask, Adam decided to remind me how incredibly gorgeous, shiny and strong his hair is. His enthusiasm was growing and growing, as was my amusement, and just when I thought he’d finished, he found more adjectives to boast how magnificent his hair is looking. We were in fits of laughter. There’s a reason why I call him “brat.”

I maintain that humor is vital in life, not only when you’re going through the good vibes, but also when life takes you down, what would seem like a dark path. This is not a dark path I’m on. It’s one of the most challenging I’ve been on, but it may just end up being the most rewarding and liberating journey I could ever dream of taking. I’ve met people who are fighting a very “real” fight and are warriors in their own right. They spend little time in the trivial and more time in communicating the inner truth of themselves. A persons journey through cancer is extremely tough and tiring and other people are not going to know the right thing to say or appreciate what you’re dealing with, but that’s not important. We are becoming “bigger” versions of ourselves, without sounding patronizing. It’s impossible to go through this and not be changed by it. Having others around you acknowledge and support the change they see in you is quite a special thing.

I don’t know what I’m shifting towards, but I know it involves many changes of a physical, emotional and spiritual nature. I’m up for it. I welcome whatever they may be, but I have no illusions that it won’t be tough and right now..it’s pretty tough.

Don’t underestimate the capacity inside you to become comfortable with something completely new. To look at yourself in the mirror and not see the same face looking back at you, and still love what you see.

That’s my two cents worth for today…And now I’m going to put my beanie on my head, to cover the bald patches and take myself off to go and hug a tree…

Happy to share just a “little” bit of me today 🙂

“Change yourself and you have done your part in changing the world” – Paramahansa Yogananda