Chemosabe Seven – Quietly Working Through Changes

Yes, I have been quiet. I suppose the first assumption or concern is that something is wrong. I have needed space, that’s all, and I have taken it. The messages that have come through from family and friends on a regular basis have brought me huge comfort. They understand me so well, that I hardly need to explain myself, which comes as a huge relief. Can I explain myself at the moment….I wonder?

Each week, as it unfolds brings me into a new flow of thoughts and consciousness. I’m either processing changes or challenges with my body or I’m mentally working through a wide range of things, some of which I may find difficult to share and even choose not to. I’ve realised how much I truly live in the moment. There really is no other way, when you’re on this path 🙂

My meditation and teachings from Yogananda have firmly instilled a calmness and happiness with where I am each day. I am thankful, supported and protected through all of this.

I’ve had little desire to write in the last while since chemo seven, and even now as I am sitting here, I wonder what will flow out of me. I seem to be processing quite a number of things, one of which is relating to how we all communicate. I’m not particularly drawn to social media much lately, unless it feels real and certain. I’m slightly removed, in more ways than one, so I’ll keep things simple because that’s the only place where I can still share my journey from, without meaning to offend anyone.

My decision to be so open about my life came into question during this quiet period. I’m constantly told how brave I am to be sharing things so openly. I have never felt that it is brave, it’s just something that came quite naturally out of where I was a few months ago, almost like it’s part of my purpose to share. I know things change from moment to moment and I did have a thought recently that perhaps it was short sighted of me to be so open. Things are in a constant motion of change and I am feeling those shifts every day.  I’m not entirely sure what has shifted in my mind, but I will continue on with my writing, because I said I would 🙂

Chemo number seven was as it normally is. I had a lovely new nurse, Abdul, who really showed such kindness in the way he approached everything. I took my own blanket as the cold cap is really not pleasant to deal with, so every bit of comfort helps. The cold cap is working to a point. I still have hair. It’s hanging on, although I can’t believe how much is still falling out. I’m almost ashamed to admit that I sometimes wish that it would. I find hair everywhere and spend a fair amount of time picking it up and removing it from all around me.

A friend of mine who came to visit not too long ago told me that he was afraid of how he’d find me. I think it’s perfectly normal to feel that way. If you’re reading my blogs you should hopefully have a clear idea of things, as I’m not painting a picture that isn’t there. My hair is falling out, and I know where the little bald patches are, but I’m actually able to tie my hair in a low ponytail and look pretty normal. I suppose he thought he’d find me with a bald head, no eyebrows and eyelashes. So far there is nothing for anyone to be afraid of. I am as I usually am. I did so love his honesty and gentleness in sharing his concerns and we had such a special time catching up. Thank you Richy for coming to see me, despite your uncertainty.

Here’s the thing that I have observed about cancer patients and particularly people receiving chemo, and of course I am generalizing here. They don’t particularly care about all that external stuff. They are in survival mode and are tuned into other things that I suppose may be difficult to explain. We are not terribly focused on what we look like. I have sat with patients who are at various stages of their treatment and it all seems completely natural and comfortable and safe. There are no airs and graces as to how things are. It’s quite beautiful to witness.

I had a really strong weekend after chemo seven and did all sorts of household chores and was generally very active and on fire. I had another appointment at the hospital on Saturday which is linked to the complications I was having relating to the haemoglobin results, but all is looking good so it’s probably just the chemo doing its thing and my body is doing its best to cope.

The rest of the weekend, I meditated, read and had a few naps so it felt really peaceful and calm and completely fitted into the quietness that I was craving. I turned down a few opportunities to connect with friends, which felt quite selfish, but I wouldn’t have had much to offer in terms of conversation and they weren’t offended.

I am loving this discovery that it’s alright to say no to things and as I’ve said before it has been  a slow change from wanting to do the right thing to please someone, to actually just saying that you’re not quite up to it.

So, my humble apologies if you felt I had left the building. I am still very much here and present  and willing to share things as a go and when I feel I can.

The changes currently taking place, that I’m able to feel and process quietly are actually very exciting and I knew they would come 🙂

“Never be afraid of change. You may lose something good, but you may gain something even better” – Deep Banerjee